fiesty little monster in the making

Reflection on 2011

It’s crazy to think that I’m sitting here, at my computer, and there’s a little more than an hour left in the year 2011. This is the second year that I have spent NYE at home, watching TV, and just relaxing. It is also the first year, since I was 18, that I have spent the holiday completely sober. Earlier I was starting to feel a bit sad that I wasn’t out “enjoying” the celebration of NYE, but I find myself ok with my choice.

2011 was a year of many changes, more than I believe I’ve experienced in the past. I truly feel that 2011 was the year that I finally decided to “grow up” and become more mature. I guess that a lot of that maturity came with the choice to give up drinking, and become sober. On January 7^th, I will officially be sober for one year, and I can honestly say that is something I wasn’t 100% sure that I would ever accomplish. Alcohol was something that controlled my life since I was 18, and it was something I wasn’t sure I could give up. It wasn’t that I loved the taste of alcohol, it wasn’t that I craved the actual alcohol itself, but it was a numbing aspect of life that I couldn’t find in myself the ability to give up.

I spent 10 months in an alcohol program, due to a DUI I got back in 2009, and it might have been the best thing to ever happen to me. In that program, I saw the future of what I could become. I didn’t like that idea of a future, if I would’ve even had the chance to get that far. I couldn’t see myself never accomplishing anything I wanted to, just because I couldn’t deal with past issues in my life, and felt that alcohol was the only way to “get through” said issues. Whenever anyone would ask me, “Are you done drinking for good, or for now?” I would never truly know how to answer them. Even now, when I think about it, I can only say that I don’t know what the future holds. Sometimes, there are things that I miss. But, when I look at the big picture and think of all the things I want to accomplish and become, I realize that drinking isn’t a part of it. It took me awhile, the first few months were the hardest to overcome, but I can truly say that I love sobriety and everything that it’s given to me.

While sobriety has been the biggest part of my life in 2011, the other accomplishment that I have achieved is doing well in college. My first two quarters at FIDM were a learning experience, to say the least, but I decided at the beginning of this year that I would not fall victim to my past mistakes. I start my final quarter at FIDM on January 5, 2012, and I will be done in March. I would’ve been completely finished in December, but I had to extend my time, and I am ok with that. FIDM brought many things to my life, that I really didn’t expect to have. I learned that I am able to accomplish things that I was told, most of my life, I never would be capable of. I learned that, as long as I am happy with the work that I have done, and that said work encompasses who I am 100%, that it really doesn’t matter what other people think. To truly be happy with what I’ve learned, to truly feel that my education has been beneficial, is something that I wasn’t sure I would ever achieve. FIDM has brought those things to my life, as well as allowing me to opportunity to meet many different people.

When I was younger I had issues when it came to dealing with different personalities. I’m not saying that I don’t still have some issues, I’m just saying that I’ve learned that there are ways to deal with people you don’t get along with successfully. I know that I don’t have to like everyone, and everyone doesn’t have to like me. It’s learning how to work with people that you might not get along with, that makes a person successful. Some of the people that I might have never thought I could be friends with, have in turn become some of my best friends today. The friends that I have gained, through attending FIDM, will hold a special place in my heart for as long as I can remember these memories. I am so proud of the people I’ve met, those who have graduated and those who will be graduating. FIDM is an experience that I am so happy I was able to have as a part of my life, and I’m starting to get sad because I’ve realized it is coming to an end in 2-1/2 short months.

One of the most important things that 2011 brought to me was the ability to reconnect, or connect deeper with the friends that I truly hold close to my heart. I have learned that, it’s not about the quantity of friends you have, but the quality. I am truly blessed to know that I have the type of friends that I consider family a part of my life. I have friends that I know, if I ever need anything, they will be there for me. It’s those relationships that, although I haven’t had the most time to spend working on and being a part of, I am grateful they are functional in my life. To know that kind of love is an amazing feeling, and I can never truly put into words what you, my dear friends, mean to me. I love you all with every fiber of my being, and I hope that ya’ll know just how much.

So, with 2011 closing, I want to say this. It doesn’t really matter what others think of you, or how they perceive you. Ultimately, all that matters is that you are happy with yourself. That you know, without a doubt, you have been the best person you can be. No regrets, because regrets just take time away from positive aspects that could be. While I am a realist, I feel that staying positive through the bad is always the better option. That is one of the greatest things I have learned this year, and I wish for everyone to have the ability to learn that lesson. You can’t change the past, so live in the present, and work towards a brighter future. It’s true, you never know if tomorrow will come, so just be happy with the you in right now. I am. I am happy for my family, even if some of the relationships aren’t 100%. I am happy with my friends, even though I may not get to see them as much as I may want to. I am happy with my achievements, and I am positive that I will continue to create new ones.

2012 will be here, that is undeniable. I’m going to make this next year even better than this past one was, and I hope that all of you – who have taken the time to read this – will do the same.

Peace, love, and happiness to you and yours.

-Amber

Religion in Sports; What’s the Big Deal?

When I first watched Tim Tebow play as the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, I had the thought, “this dude is going to go far.” Did I know anything about the guy? Not at all. I just watched the main quarterback get injured (or whatever it was) in a championship game, and in came Tebow. Do I remember what game this was? Not at all. Do I remember anything other than my initial thoughts on Tebow’s performance? Only that I was watching the game with my Daddy.

So, here comes the facts after my initial reaction. Tim Tebow is highly publicized in the media due to his faith, due to being a Christian and not backing down from his beliefs. From what I’ve read, he’s always been this way, and there’s always been people against it. For this, I question “why?” Why does someone’s beliefs and actions affect others so negatively, when said person is not really forcing their beliefs down your throat? Here’s a guy, who believes what he believes, who makes it a point to do good for others, and tries to be a good role model. Where is the negative aspects in that? There are many other people, in his position, who have taken legitimately negative actions, and yet they get the initial criticism that eventually dies down. Where, in anyone’s right mind, does any of this make sense? It doesn’t.

Now, many “supporters” of what Tim Tebow stands for tend to share his beliefs, when it comes to religion. I am not really one of those people. I am not a religious person, and would consider myself slightly “spiritual” if anything. My biggest annoyance, with religious people, is when they try to “shove” their beliefs “down my throat”. I don’t see this with Tebow. What I do see, however, is a respectful young man who isn’t afraid to be himself. This is a man who was raised in a religious family, who has his own beliefs on what type of person he wants to be, and who sticks to those beliefs when he has so many things thrown at him that could force him to act against said beliefs. Money, fame, and the position Tebow is in brings so many negative aspects to one’s life, and yet he chooses to use those things to help others. A foundation to help under-privileged children, support for charities and other foundations that create positivity in the lives of people who may not have much positive to fall back on. With such an outstanding character for such a young man, why do people feel the need to make his religious views into something so wrong? Yet, other footballers get praise when they’ve committed actual crimes (not naming any names, but I’m sure a few come to mind).

So what if a camera catches him praying before a big play? Many people pray for things, selfish things. Why is it so wrong for someone to pray that he accomplishes something – i.e. a winning play, in this case – when many others will pray for money, power, and other such things? It’s not. In the eyes of someone, like myself, who isn’t religious, I feel that Tim Tebow is a refreshing light for many. It’s hard to find a good role model, someone that you should feel comfortable allowing your children to look up to. I feel that Tebow hits this right on the mark. There are many children who have been forced into viewing people like the Kardashian’s, scandalous drug-addicted actors/actresses, and musicians who only sell sex and their bodies as the “role models” they look up to. Tim Tebow is none of those things, and his only message is that you should believe in yourself to accomplish your dreams. Where’s the wrong in that statement? Let the guy be himself, let the guy pray all he wants. He’s a good man, he does good things, so where’s the harm? I say, there is none.

stress reliever please

Still haven’t remembered to post the entries that are hand-written, but it’ll happen sooner than later.  Just have some things running through my head and feel the need to write, which will then help me to be able to sleep.  Therapy.

While I really don’t want to write about what’s currently bothering me, because tomorrow it will be pointless, I do have to say this.  With the key factor that social media/social networking has in everyday life, I think that there are some things people should realize before posting on such websites.  First off, what they’re posting and what it may mean.  Secondly, who is out there with the ability to read what you’re posting.  Food for thought.

On a different note, school has started back up, and as of Monday I will start my “official” first day back at campus.  Right now I’m technically “in-between” quarters, due to having an issue with my transcript that has my English courses on them.  It sucks, but it’ll be settled soon.  I do, however, have another transcript that will count as my last math course I have to take, and I am overly excited about that.  I’m not exactly the biggest fan of math, fyi.

This quarter I am taking the following courses:

• Concepts of Trend Forecasting (which is a re-take)

• Apparel Process II (a 6-hr course)

• Fabric Identification

• Computer Aided Fashion Design I

• Trend & Design Application

Out of these 5 classes, I have already started my Trend Forecasting course, because I was able to get into the online section.  I should probably start my homework for next week, considering I’m not 100% sure of the amount of work I will have in all my other courses, and it’s always good to get ahead – so I may do that when I wake up later.  As noted, this is a course I’m re-taking, and I can already tell that I will enjoy the teacher tons more than the original one I started taking.  This course was the one in where the teacher informed me that I did EVERYTHING wrong on my midterm, asked if I knew what I did wrong, and without skipping a beat informed me that, “if you don’t know what you did wrong you need to drop this class now.”  I was unaware that instructors were able to do that, considering they’re getting paid to TEACH you the information (which she didn’t), and then, if you did something wrong, tell you what exactly you did wrong so as to not have the whole “deer in headlights” look on your face.

Needless to say, I obviously dropped that class, but it was too late to get a “W” for the course, so instead I had to pay $600 for the repeat fee and have an “F” on my transcript for a full quarter.  Absolutely love the bitches that you will find in the fashion industry.

I’m hoping this quarter will reinforce my enjoyment of my major, although the work may be hard it is definitely worth it.  Now that I am this far into the program, I am taking courses (minus the repeat) that are completely dedicated to my major.  That has been something I have been looking forward to since I started FIDM back in July.

Well, I guess that’s really it, since I just felt the need to write to release some stress.  I have to get to sleep, since I have an early night tomorrow (well, rather later tonight since it is after 12A) in order to be somewhat refreshed for my 5A wake-up alarm and 830A-545P classes on Monday.

re: lack of updates

Noted.

I tend to have a writing frenzy while I’m not at a computer, and lets face it, phones are horrible for long tumblr updates.  Needless to say, I have 2 entries + 1 that will be a more “up-to-date” notion to post.  Hoping for tomorrow, might be looking at by Tuesday.

If you read, stay tuned.

Freaking AH-MAZE-ING News!!!!

So, as you can tell by the fact that I have a blog with very little of its contents being photos, video, etc., you should be able to guess that I enjoy writing.  I have always used it as an outlet, mostly for when I’m upset, stressed, or whatever other obstacle that may follow.

One of the few things that I enjoy doing in life, has always been an underlying passion in what I would like to do for a career.  Sure, you hear about people who want to be a journalist, as well as those who want to be a fashion journalist.  I am no different from those people, because it has always been something I’ve wanted to be a part of.

Last night I received a job update from one of the fashion career job boards that I am on the e-mail list for.  It fit the fashion journalism category, as well as being a freelance able job.  I thought about it, I doubted myself for a split second, and then I realized that you never know what you’re capable of doing without trying.  So I applied!

I sent my resume, they also wanted a “writing sample” to which I sent in a portion of a report that I did back in my first quarter at FIDM.  I figured that, since it was all in my own words, and topic specific, it would be the ideal piece.  Apparently it was.  I was chosen.

So, as of this afternoon I officially work for Demand Media, which is the parent company to a new online fashion startup that Tyra Banks is launching mid-March.  I am currently researching information for my first article topic, and then I have two more to complete and have approved before being launched into the “big time”.. So to say.  Basically, I will be allowed to write up to 10 articles at a time.

The best part, I’m getting paid to do something that I love to do.  Write.  Write about topics that interest me.  Fashion related, family related, animal related, whatever topic I choose, I can write about.

Many of my fellow FIDM students do this type of stuff as an internship, for free, just for the experience.  I get to do this as a job, and I plan on doing it for my second year at FIDM.  Who knows where this will take me, but this is a step in the right direction.

Just when I was starting to doubt myself, I took a chance and my opportunities have opened on a large scale.

Proof that taking chances and believing in yourself will cause something great to come your way.

Just a quick question to FIDM….

…Why oh why does (almost) every major have to take Textile Science?

Ok, I know that it’s necessary for my major (kill me), but really… It’s so much remembering, and some of the things we have to do for this class…. I just don’t get it.

Example: Exam #1 includes 6 original pages of things to know.  I have spent the past 2 hours flipping back and forth (repeatedly) in my notes to get the answers.  Some of the questions aren’t even in my notes.  I had to look up definitions of stuff online (because I’m not lagging both massive books upstairs) to get the answers.

I hate Textile Science.

Oh, and our first project… Advertisements that list fabric information ON/IN them.  Really, who does that anymore?!  Exactly.

Complaints: Everyone has them…

(Please note: This entry was started/written as a pen-to-paper “journal” type of entry while witnessing and experiencing these predicaments.  Dates for each part of this entry will precede the actual commentary.  Thanks.)

(Dated: November 10, 2010)

I’ve learned that, no matter where you go and what you do in life, you will always have complaints.  Maybe it’s the deep need to satisfy wants that you realize you have in life, or maybe it’s just an unconscious need to always find something wrong; whatever it may be, everyone has them.  I am no exception to this group, but sometimes I fee like I may express them more openly than others.

With this constant need to express anything (and often everything) I feel about people, places and situations, I’m often criticized as being a pessimist.  I can understand how many people only focus on expressions that border negativity and ignore any others that come from someone else.  I do it too, and I’ll be the first to admit that.  As much as I want to look at things in a positive light, truth be told - there’s just so many negative aspects that constantly hinder the positive outlook “way of life”.  Ultimately, I have complaints.

#1 - PEOPLE.
Most people legitimately SUCK.  There’s just NO WAY around that statement, no matter how often I may look for it.

Here’s some different examples pertaining to this complaint:

A - I left one of my classes today due to the horrible teacher.  Mind you, I realize that EVERY school has quite a few “horrible” teachers (I’ve had my fair share of them), but this one makes me wish nothing but horrible things towards her.  Every week I have this part of me that hopes someone that works at the school (FIDM) will come into class and let us know that class is canceled, due to the fact she is in the hospital (or other worse things), because she really is THAT bad.

This teacher is over 70-years-old, mind you.  I go to a FASHION school, and yes, I know that fashion doesn’t have an age limit.  However, this teacher has no idea what she’s talking about, when it comes to fashion.  Maybe “back in the day” she was at the top of her game, but there’s no way she “fits” into the world of FASHION TODAY.  Not only does her age bother me, the fact that she is legitimately senile annoys the hell out of me.  You would think that a full mental/physical medical check would be mandatory for teachers of her age to undergo.  Afterall, the DMV requires driving tests!

While I’ve gotten a bit off topic, concerning why I left class due to her, I felt that a back story was entirely necessary.  Now, onto my current story of annoyance…

I’m sick.  I’ve been sick for months.  It really pisses me off and my tolerance level has diminished to almost none.  As a 25-year-old there are other aspects to my life besides sitting in a 2.5hr class where the instructor (she doesn’t deserve to be called a teacher, nor even an instructor) rambles about irrelevant things.  Especially considering that I’ve been sick and the chances of having to make appointments to see doctors and have tests done is very high and important at the moment.

Anyway, so I’m doing those things (making doctors appointments) via text (I’m discussing them with my mother - who is making said appointments for me), when this lady comes up to me and DEMANDS my phone from me.  I tell her that I’ll put it away (which is what every other teacher requests) and she grabs it from me.  I’m then informed that if I refuse to let her take MY phone, then I can leave and DROP her class.  Listen, you senile old bitty, if there had been any OTHER class that fit into my schedule that I could have taken, I WOULD HAVE.  This is week 6 of 11, I’m NOT losing my money spent in your poor excuse of a course, just to retake this class.  Maybe I have an authority issue, but the way her “class” is operated is the lowest of low standards I’ve ever seen.  For $25K/per year, this level of a “teacher” is unacceptable.

B - While sitting in the park @ school, enjoying a coffee (caffeine calms my nerves and anger), I overhear these 2 girls conversing.  I understand that we go to school at a fashion college and therefore “people-watching” is necessary, but there’s a level of comments that shouldn’t be reached.  These girls were sitting there CRITICIZING EVERY PERSON who walked by.  You would think that, while everyone has their own ideas of “what is fashion”, being here would open their eyes to all the different aspects the industry has.  Negative grasshopper.  I understand the concept of “shit talking”, hell I partake in it myself!  In this instance, it was uncalled for.  The only way (I feel) that you can criticize EVERY person walking by is if you live in designer clothes and are dressed impeccably.  You, 2 girls, do NOT fall under these guidelines.  Shut the fuck up, get your fucking head out of your idiotic ass, and learn how to be a semi-decent person.  THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

(Dated: November 15, 2010)

#2 - LATE CHARGES
When you’re paying $25K/per year for a 2-YR ASSOCIATES DEGREE, why does a school feel they have the right to charge you a $10 late fee, when you make the payment within a 7-day grace period?

It’s understandable to charge someone after the payment is 7 days past due, but not everyone can get payments in ON the 1st of EVERY month.  Also, if a quarter starts AFTER the 1st (but still at the beginning of a month), the reasonable thing to do is make the 1st week of the new quarter a clearance/grace period.

Case in point, Fall 2010 @ FIDM started October 6th.  I had classes on the first day of school and PROMPTLY made my monthly payment that morning.  When I get my bill for the November payment, I have a late fee.

#1: The school itself WAS NOT open on October 1st.
#2: I live 40+ miles away from the school and I REFUSE to make the extra drive, when I will be there 5 days later.
#3: THE QUARTER STARTS ON THE 6TH!

That’s called greed, idiocity, and downright FUCKED UP!

Today I go in to get financial clearance for Winter 2011 quarter and to turn in the required documents.  Not only am I informed of the October late charges, but I now have a November late charge.  I came into the school to make my November payment on 11/05 (having been sick and out of school, this was the first day possible), and the finance area was closed.  They closed BEFORE the were supposed to, so I complained to the receptionist who was the only person in the financial aid offices.  She made a note, in the computer, that I was there BEFORE closing and that they were CLOSED.

Obviously I fought the late fees.  Supposedly, the girl cleared them from my account, but we shall see what the December bill states.  Ultimately, it’s just a way for FIDM to get MORE MONEY than it already receives from the 6K PLUS students who attend there.  Assholes.

$10,000,000 Purchases

The idea of receiving $10,000,000 came up in a conversation that my mom and I had last night.  When she asked me what I’d buy, the answer was “a house” first.  She then asked me what I’d really buy first, bringing up the idea of owning this pair of Louboutins that I absolutely want.  I responded with the notion that if it came to things I could purchase right then and there, this is what I would buy.

1. Clou Noeud Spike Louboutin heels
2. Range Rover
3. Whatever car my mom wants
4. Whatever car my dad wants
5. Whatever car my brother wants
6. Pay off school, for my AA and Advanced AA degree I want
7. Pay off my debt
8. Pay off mom’s debt
9. Pay off debt to dad
10. Buy boobies (I can be vain, it’s allowed)
11. Buy a house

Sure, maybe the whole list isn’t really necessary, but at least I would pay off debt for those that I love, and make sure they have the car they want.  Granted, if I bought my brother a car I would probably also buy him more driving lessons because, as my dad puts it, he drives “like an Asian girl talking on her cell phone.”  Thankfully, for him, we all love him dearly.

crazy jumbled mess of curent thoughts

Two topics of “conversation” and both are mostly due to satisfy my ongoing chatter in this crazy head of mine.  I blame it on the high IQ.

Topic #1: Change of Major

I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, probably even as far back as within the first few weeks of classes during my first quarter at FIDM.  While I truly did believe that merchandise marketing was where I needed to be, after many weeks (technically almost 3 months) of re-evaluation, I realized that it wasn’t the correct road for me to travel.  Sure, business is a great major, and that’s exactly what merchandise marketing is – business.  Unfortunately, I am not a business-minded person.  Never have been, and – as it comes down to the business world as a whole – probably never will be.

I’m quite familiar with being the type of person who doesn’t always think things through 100% before deciding on the factor, and I know that’s what I did here.  During my final interview with an admissions counselor, one that wasn’t my own, she advised me to take some time to look at the requirements and classes in the merchandise product development major.  I looked (half-assed) at the portfolio, but I was so set on merch marketing.  Why?  Then, I wasn’t entirely sure – to be honest.  Now, I know it was because I felt I had something to prove.

I remember almost 5 years ago, I was at my dad and grandfather’s office and I was so excited that I was getting A’s on my essay tests in History.  I love history, I have always loved history, and for awhile it was what I wanted to major in (until I realized that I wouldn’t really be happy in the most common jobs I would get).  The one thing I remember being told by my grandfather (which, our relationship is a whole different –and incredibly long – story in itself), is that the only degree worth getting in college is the business degree.  Ever since then, it has been stuck in the back of my head, always seeming to come up and make me doubt myself.  Also, I wanted to prove something to my dad.  Forget the fact that I hadn’t even told him of my plans to attend FIDM (being that he’s paying for the rest of my tuition, and I wouldn’t be attending without him).  I felt that, by taking this major, it would be my easiest in when it came to convincing him to help me go to the college I’ve been wanting to go to for years.

Now I know that really he just wants to see me succeed and be happy in life, and he was very happy about my first quarter grades.  Unfortunately, I’ve now wasted some money on 2 classes that I really don’t even need in the long run.  Those kinds of sucks when you think about how expensive these classes really are.  Ultimately, I’m glad that I only wasted 2 classes in a degree that I know I wouldn’t be happy with in the long run.  Now, I just have to figure out how to catch up.  I guess scholarships really need to come my way, aka I need to apply for them.  It’s a guilt thing really.

Topic #2: My Crazy Brain

Sometimes I really wish all the jumbled information and topics that my brain decides it needs to deal with, would just shut off.  Like I said, I know in some ways I’m crazy and I fully blame it on having a high IQ.  Some of the most brilliant people ever have been clinically insane (thankfully I’m not that).  Sadly, due to the fact my brain never wants to shut down (unless I drug it into quiet submission), tends to wreak havoc on my sleeping schedule, and insomnia has been a staple in my life since I was an infant.  Joys.

I would really like some melatonin right now.  Actually, some straight up Tylenol PM would work wonders for awhile. 

That’s about it.

jaysonconundrums asked: Well, I suppose my 3 month break was just too long that I couldn't wait to go back to LA. =)
I wanna settle down and relax so I can be ready for Fall 2010.

When are you coming back to LA?

I actually live about 40mi east from school.  I go 2 days a week, and commute.  Somewhat annoying, but oh well. 

You took summer quarter off?  Smart.

Summer 2010 Grades

First quarter at FIDM - Los Angeles was filled with more than I expected.

After coming down with pneumonia during the 3rd week, I was so afraid to fail at anything during my first quarter. I probably stressed myself out a little more than needed, but when you miss a few classes here the chances of getting good grades is minimal. I’m sure the stress didn’t help with getting better, but I know the inability of the doctor that was treating me also didn’t help.

Thankfully, I made it out alive. Took until the 8th week before I really started feeling better, and being completely able to make it through a full week of classes. I’m glad that I felt able to talk to my teachers about being sick, and still turned in all work on time. Since I’m really OCD (or really a perfectionist) when it comes with my work, I also found myself afraid that it wouldn’t be good enough.

Here I am, almost a week after the quarter ended, and I am ultimately happy with the grades I received. While they didn’t end up being straight A’s, and I missed the 4.0 GPA, for everything that I went through, getting at 3.5 makes me feel successful.

Retail Environment: A
Marketing Essentials: B+
Math Skills: Pass
Technology for Business Applications: B
20th Century Designers: A-

These grades prove to me that, although life may give you lemons in many situations, making lemonade and doing what you know you have to do to succeed - well there’s nothing greater than that.

Next quarter starts October 11th, and I feel that I am as prepared as I’m ever going to be. Sure, I know obstacles are going to be somewhere in every quarter, but being able to make it through them is what I’m looking forward to. Staying true to myself, loving the world of fashion that I am living in, and maintaining excellent grades is what I strive for in order to be truly happy.